Conflict of interest

Is this what working is? Raising concerns but ultimately taking instructions when your boss wants to do something a certain way, and using your name to do it?

Frustrating.

It's not the way I would approach it. Maybe I'm just too perfectionistic. If I see a potential issue, I try to think of a solution to not let it be an issue.

I have to rely on someone else for the solution though. And you say there's only one of that person. Wow. There's also only one of me. What about the overhead I will face. If we don't have enough resources, it will be on me.

So this is work challenge huh. Balancing what your boss wants and what you want, but ultimately taking instructions to make sure your boss is happy. Great.

I do hope I can trust you to bear the responsibility. I think ultimately, that was my concern.

Bring it on, then.

Food for thought

I guess it takes a certain amount of talent to make do with what you have.

Replacing people just shows how adept you are at managing resources.

Half-scare

That. That figuratively sent a shiver down my spine (because it actually didn't, and I like to be dramatic). That's really adaptable. Is that why I was told those words? I need some reinforcements. Although it'll feel like such a waste, but it'll be worth it, won't it? Really got to learn how to read some day.


Just like old times. I really don't like the sound of that. Perhaps this is slightly different. The extent isn't that directly great. I hope.

Will it feel different; better? Or should I just leave well alone. Technically, it's not my business. I'm just feeling indignation. What good is ego, huh?


Getting that dried-mouth feeling isn't fun. That heart-pounding sensation; that cold sweat; that insistent frown upon my face. I wonder why it's happening this time. Is it because I'm confused? Will I feel better if it's set on the right path? Will I be gullible or reckless?


Was any of what happened real? Or was it really just target practice?

Que Sera, Sera

You're so much stronger than before. Come on! Live your own life, why don't you.

If there's nothing else to believe in, why not believe in this: What's yours will be yours. What's not yours will never stay with you. Take a hint, and, well, take a hike, I guess.

There will always be people who care about you. Why forsake them for someone who doesn't? Sure, it may sound vindictive, but living aimlessly isn't the way. Find your own path; find your own way; find your own happiness!

You used to love writing. What happened? Aside from the incessant minutes writing, there MUST be a creative outlet. Why are you spending time on something unrewarding?

Like they used to say in school, "Wake up your idea!" Love yourself before people can begin to love you.

<3

I have over-active tear ducts, and it's troublesome

That day at work, I was just on the verge of tearing up after a conversation with someone from Business. It was merely a rant, and we both knew fully well that I wasn't at fault; I was just an easy channel to vent. I didn't particularly mind. It wasn't like she was going around ruining my reputation or falsely (and purposely) misquoting me. 

The tears (damn them!) just welled up right when I put down the phone. Right as I was preparing to relay what to say to my boss. Right as he asked what happened, because I had unknowingly raised my voice, and the office was rather quiet. 

Even if it wasn't right at that moment that I had to brief him on what happened, I would have had those annoying tear ducts springing into action. So it didn't really make any difference, the timing. Even if I had gone into the washroom to cool down a bit, I would have choked on my words. 

It wasn't that I was particularly upset over this episode. I wasn't. This wasn't the instance where I felt like I was being played by a distant co-worker, where I felt the frustration and the indignation. Unlike that episode, I was glad that this time, there wasn't a crowd around to stare as I reiterated what had happened. And thank goodness there was a gap of one empty cubicle between the boss and I. I recovered quickly - whether or not he saw or heard the slip. There is really no justification for tears in this situation. I mean, really! It was just one phone call. I'm so much stronger than that! Right?

Maybe some history is in order. I remember when I was in Primary school. I have no idea how many times I've cried in school. And over nothing. It's not like "Oh in retrospect, it was such a silly matter not worth crying over. Why did I cry then? Oh har de dar, the past is the past." Nope! It was more of a "Wait, why are there tears? Stop it! What the hell? You're just talking to a teacher!" Well, dang. 

Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's frustration. Maybe I'm just too damned sensitive. Maybe it's because it's the unknown. Things that happen out of the norm. Who knows? Just... pretend you don't see my tears. Let's pretend that my eyes are just too dry, and they're self-regulating the moisture content. Just don't point it out, don't try to console me, and it'll be over in a few seconds. 

Unless I'm outright sobbing. Maybe that's the time to slowly move away, damn it! Just kidding. Maybe I just need a hug. I just have to find a suitable willing party. 

Are you for real?

Right. You say something doesn't work somewhere, but elsewhere it seems to work just fine, doesn't it? Like, literally minutes later. The hell, man? That's so not cool.


Pffft!

We've got to stop being jealous some time

I was with kids the other day. Not directly interacting with them; just listening. They were young kids, about seven to nine years old. One of them stood out to all of us. Her aspiration was to be a lawyer. I had a friend who wanted to be a lawyer when she was in primary school. She didn't read law in university. I found myself with that grim train of thoughts that the little girl wouldn't go on to be a lawyer. Then I heard the other panelists saying that she could be a lawyer. She was certainly vocal enough for it. 

At that point, I wasn't that convinced. Mostly, it could have been due to how she came across to me as immature.

Then it hit me. Like the proverbial train, or a beetle haphazardly flying around the room. She's a kid. She will be more mature in time. I was a kid once. I'm more mature now. 

Right now, she's showing potential. Who am I to deny her her dreams? The other panelists had no problems encouraging her (I joined in the choruses of yeahs).

Why am I doing that? 

The beetle struck again, except this time, it was right smack in the face. I'm behaving like a kid. 

I think that I'm so jaded, that life is full of disappointments, that I'm not looking how important dreams are anymore. I'm just resigned that I'm going to be a nine to five/eight to six/overtime + overtime office worker that I've lost track of my own aspirations. What are my aspirations? Do I have them? 

As we get older, I think those aspirations get buried under the rubble of responsibilities. It gets set upon the scale of need versus want. And we know that needs get an unfair advantage.

On the other hand, why does the presence or absence of any aspirations of my own affect whether a little girl can have her own aspirations, or whether she can speak her seven year old mind? 

It doesn't. It shouldn't. 

I've got to stop being jealous some time. 

You know how older folks disagree with the younger generation's music? It's happened for ages and ages, generations before us. 

The thing we have to accept is: we are evolving. Simple as that. We might not be improving, but we are evolving.

Darwinism. 

Even if you don't believe in the Theory of Evolution, we are evolving as human beings, changing. We're being more empowered to chase our dreams. The little girl can certainly be a lawyer if she tries hard enough.

Why are the other panelists so encouraging then? Because they are parents? Because they have landed their dream jobs? 

No. 

They have arrived at that point in life. That point where you stop being jealous and actually start being encouraging. That point where you understand that life is too short to be hung up over things lost. That point where you find that that things you wanted to do but never got around to doing it, you can't do them anymore. 

Kids. They have a whole lifetime ahead of them. But life goes by in a flash. If they have dreams, they should chase them. We should empower them to do so, early. They may/will change their minds, but at the very least, they had the chance to do it.