The tears (damn them!) just welled up right when I put down the phone. Right as I was preparing to relay what to say to my boss. Right as he asked what happened, because I had unknowingly raised my voice, and the office was rather quiet.
Even if it wasn't right at that moment that I had to brief him on what happened, I would have had those annoying tear ducts springing into action. So it didn't really make any difference, the timing. Even if I had gone into the washroom to cool down a bit, I would have choked on my words.
It wasn't that I was particularly upset over this episode. I wasn't. This wasn't the instance where I felt like I was being played by a distant co-worker, where I felt the frustration and the indignation. Unlike that episode, I was glad that this time, there wasn't a crowd around to stare as I reiterated what had happened. And thank goodness there was a gap of one empty cubicle between the boss and I. I recovered quickly - whether or not he saw or heard the slip. There is really no justification for tears in this situation. I mean, really! It was just one phone call. I'm so much stronger than that! Right?
Maybe some history is in order. I remember when I was in Primary school. I have no idea how many times I've cried in school. And over nothing. It's not like "Oh in retrospect, it was such a silly matter not worth crying over. Why did I cry then? Oh har de dar, the past is the past." Nope! It was more of a "Wait, why are there tears? Stop it! What the hell? You're just talking to a teacher!" Well, dang.
Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's frustration. Maybe I'm just too damned sensitive. Maybe it's because it's the unknown. Things that happen out of the norm. Who knows? Just... pretend you don't see my tears. Let's pretend that my eyes are just too dry, and they're self-regulating the moisture content. Just don't point it out, don't try to console me, and it'll be over in a few seconds.
Unless I'm outright sobbing. Maybe that's the time to slowly move away, damn it! Just kidding. Maybe I just need a hug. I just have to find a suitable willing party.
